The problem

Parenting has always been a difficult task. The problem is how to care for children, especially those in their teens, who can be very rebellious, revolting and resistant. The more we want to teach or advise them, the more they revolt. We wonder whether we should allow them to do what they want to do, or whether we should force them to do what we want them to do. These questions cannot be answered in a general or sweeping manner. Every individual is unique and no principle or set of rules can really be effective all the time. It reminds me of a statement I have quoted many times.

A man said, “Before marriage I had six theories of raising children. Now, after marriage, I have six children and no theories!”

The first thing that is required when you face any problem not only related to parenting, but to any situation in life, is that you have to keep cool. You must calm down and relax. There is no use of getting agitated and over-anxious.

Secondly we must know that the crisis we are facing is not unique to ourselves. It is a common and general predicament. For example, when a doctor sees a patient he does not get excited because he is used to seeing many such cases.

The next thing is to remember your own teenage years whenever you feel that your children are misbehaving or going out of control. We are apt to forget them while parenting. I do not think there is any person who, while growing up, was not rebellious. Some people might have rebelled only at the mental level but some form of resistance must have manifested at one time or another.

The problem of ‘ I-ness’ and ‘My-ness’

If you think closely you will find that your worries are not because all children in general are misbehaving. You are worried because your children are misbehaving. All the worry and anxiety is not for the child but it is for my child. Still subtler is the fact that the action of my child has direct repercussion on ’me’, on ‘my’ image. Looked at very objectively, you will discover that what bothers you more is your image. It is said that man believes in heredity when his child is brilliant. But if the child goes out of control many even disown the child.

Every jeeva belongs to the Lord

The mother and father are only the suppliers of the material of the physical body for the jeeva to live in. They have not given birth to the jeeva. Moreover the parents do not have the faintest idea as to how that physical body is made. What exactly happens and how it happens in the mother’s womb? So what are we taking credit for? The one who took care of the child in the womb will also take care of these growing up troubles.

Become an instrument

Parents must play the role of an instrument. Swami Chinmayananda used to say that the parent’s role is like that a farmer or a gardener. You do not create the seed. You do not create the soil. The potential power is already in the seed. The role of a farmer or gardener is to prepare the soil properly, sow the seeds at the right time and give them the required amount of water, shade, and sunlight – in short, provide a conducive environment for the seeds to grow.

Start with yourself

We must start with ourselves first. Sometimes parents ask me, “ Swamiji, when should we start teaching our children values and culture? “ I tell them, “ Before the child is born.” How?” “You should already have these values in you. Then alone will your child imbibe them.” The child starts its learning process while he or she is in the mother’s womb. Imparting culture to our children is the most important thing but we must begin with ourselves. Swami Chinmayananda used to say, “ Culture cannot be taught, it can only be caught.”

No magical solution

What is required is not a magical solution but a right way of looking at things. In Sanskrit there is a small verse that deals with parenting. It says, “Fondle your children upto the age of five. The next ten years be strict with them, discipline them, educate them. From when they are sixteen years old, treat them like your friends.” Once the right vision and values are given, they will follow them to a large extent.

The author belongs to Chinmaya Mission