Life has its needs, expectations, wishes, and desires but it becomes meaningless if there is no love. Today’s modern education with its emphasis on memorization and rational thinking develops the intellect but not the heart. Logic without the sensitivity of love, pure rational intellect without devotion becomes not only dry, but also very often ruthless and even diabolic.

These days, a lot of importance is given to finance, stress and time management, but love management is nowhere on the agenda. The IQ of a person is useful in obtaining a degree, gaining top grades at Stanford or Yale and procuring a job, but it is the Emotional Quotient that eventually ensures success in the workplace and in life itself. The success of a person depends not so much on the art of managing things or finances, but on how he manages people and therefore, in all fields of life and in all relationships, the management of emotions is of utmost significance

Emotions can be both negative and positive. Uncontrolled emotions cause agitations and deplete our energies and capacities, but noble emotions enrich life, increase capacity and productivity, and bring greater peace and happiness.

Pujya Gurudev Swami Chinmayananda often said that emotions and sentiments adorn a person, but sentimentalism is an ugly scar on the human personality. Emotions determine one’s reactions to experiences, situations and persons; they determine how one transacts with people and thus ultimately, one’s success in life. For example, in the office or in the family, a person may be honest and frank, but if he does not have sweetness and sensitivity of character, he will not be successful.

All noble emotions come from love; all the positive values needed to live a life of productivity, beauty and happiness are born out of love. Everybody wants love. There is no endeavor that man takes up with such sincerity and enthusiasm as his pursuit of love and the failure of no project causes as much misery as the failure of one’s aspirations in love. Love becomes directly associated with pain, regret, and guilt.

Everyone wants love, everybody falls in love, yet everybody fears love. In one of the camps for youngsters, when I was talking on the topic of love and explaining its various aspects, a teenager sang:

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed,

Some say love it is a razor that makes the soul to bleed,

Some say love-it is a hunger, a never-ending need.

This is what most people think love to be, because this beautiful emotion has been badly misused and abused and today almost anything is mistaken for love. Infatuation is mistaken for love, attachment is understood as love and even vulgarity and sensuality is called love. People do not understand the nature of love, do not know the difference between love and what goes on in the name of love and end up feeling confused, disappointed and dejected.

The Nature of Love

What is the essential nature of love? Love is identification with the beloved, love is when two become one. Love does not automatically happen. It is an art and like music or dance, it has to be cultivated. If one desires excellence, it has to be learnt, practiced and perfected.

However, the emotions of love are felt in other forms of expressions. The love that a person slips and falls into, which is glorified in literature and poetry, is not love. Sometimes temporary infatuation is taken to be love, as it gives a certain amount of joy and thrill; two people’s needs have been satisfied and there is a fleeting sense of bonding and oneness. But the love in which there is identification, which brings a sense of happiness, joy and peace, without any anger, agitation or frustration, is called higher love.

Sages such as Narada Muni, Suka Deva, Veda Vyasa and Pujya Gurudev have clearly pointed out the difference between the lower form of love and the higher form. Actually there is no gradation of higher or lower love. Love is love or else it is only a mistaken notion of love. But for practical purposes we will use the terms ‘higher and lower’ in order to clearly understand the difference between the two.

The lower form of love in Sanskrit is called sneha. Sneha is that which sticks or clings. In English it is translated as “attachment”. Unfortunately, attachment is understood to be love. So, when the scriptures ask us to give up our attachments, we think it is an impractical teaching. There is a vast difference between sneha and the higher form of love called prema, which, when directed towards the Highest, is called bhakti.

Not understanding the true nature of love, we become bitter and hard in life. We are unable to understand why we cause grief and anxiety to people whom we love the most and why those who claim to love us, harm us the most. Remember that love is natural in each one of us. It does not have to be created, it has to be just discovered and once it is discovered, devoid of all its coverings, ugliness and attachments, it is so great and vast, that it embraces the entire humanity.

Sneha and Bhakti – Attachment and Devotion

Firstly, let us look at the very expression of love. You say, “I fell in love.” In the lower form of love you slip and fall. It is after something small, something lower. Very often, a teenager sees a beautiful girl and falls in love. If it is for her physical form, love is then for the limited, finite perishing body. It is without thinking and you cling to the person. It also brings out the lower emotions of anger, mistrust, anxiety, worry, fear, and sorrow.

However, love directed towards the greater, the higher, the nobler, brings out the best in a person. It is not for the physical personality but for the emotions, the intellect and the very soul of that person. It brings out the noble aspect of one’s personality-music, art, kindness, compassion, and inspiration. It could be for parents, for the country or for God. Here, one is ready to make any number of sacrifices. There is no “fall” but a rise and growth.

One Includes the Many

The lower form of love may lead one to be prejudiced and intolerant of others. For example, excessive possessiveness for your own children might provoke a hatred for other children; fanaticism for your country makes you kill in the name of love. It brings out the worst in us. It is the one, exclusive of the many. But the higher form of love is the one, which includes the many. When you love your parents, you love your brothers and sisters; love for your country expands to include all your countrymen, and you appreciate the love of another person for his country; when you love God, you love humanity and the whole creation.

The first time we went to Sidhabari, we were youngsters. Gurudev had announced, “Come to Sidhabari, I am going to have a camp.” Just to be with him, we decided to go for ten days and then proceed to Kashmir or Mumbai to be with friends. We felt that ten days was enough for spirituality! The ashram was still being built so there were seven of us in one room with one bathroom and all had to be ready for the meditation class at 4:30 am. It was very difficult but it was so wonderful that we stayed on for two months and still didn’t want to leave! However, Gurudev's itinerary was fixed so we went to Swami Tejomayananda, the acharya, and told him to request Gurudev to stay for an extra week. He replied, “First, you people don’t come here, now that you have come, you don’t want to go! Go home. You are so uncomfortable; the food is not good, go home!”

“But we love it here. It is so beautiful.”

“Why is it so?”

“Because everybody is so loving.”

“Two people in one family can hardly stay together, but how is there so much love and sharing between all of you who are strangers?”

We had no answer, and looked towards him. He pointed out; “You have come here loving Gurudev who loves you all. When you love that One, who loves everybody, you begin to love everybody.”

Beyond Causes

Attachment is dependent on a cause; there is a reason. It fulfills a need; as long as one gets something from a person, there is love. If the cause ceases, the love comes to an end. The higher form of love is beyond all causes.

Pujya Gurudev was invited by an old couple in America to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The old man began reminiscing:

We got married in 1943 and came to the USA in 1949. Times were difficult, we were struggling and had a tiny apartment with a small kitchen. I still remember, it was 1952, our ninth wedding anniversary. I reached home, she had prepared a special meal, the table was set, candles lit up. I insisted on going out for a drive. I continued driving until we reached the outskirts of the city and entered a forest. At that point her patience gave way, “I cooked a meal and you don’t even remember!”

I drove further into the darkness. She was very upset, “You forgot our wedding anniversary and now you are trying to be romantic!”

She was almost going to walk off when I turned the bend and there was a beautiful house. I said, “Happy anniversary darling!”

Swamiji, it was in this very house that we had our first fight. She wanted a cream sofa and pink curtains. I wanted blue curtains!

Observing pink curtains, Gurudev asked, “These days when couples cannot even stay 50 days together, what is the secret of your married life? There seems to be nothing in common between both of you; what has kept you in the marriage for 50 years?”

The man was silent, He had no answer but his wife, even at that age, stood shyly behind the curtain of the kitchen door and gave a beautiful answer, “You like someone because of something, but you love someone in spite of everything.”

Attachment is always selfish, thinking only of oneself. Devotion is not based on needs or desires; it is a fulfilment in itself and, therefore, knows only how to give.

Knows Only to Give

Khalil Gibran, a philosopher and a poet, has written on love, echoeing the words of Narada Bhakti Sutra:

Love is not a need, it is not a hunger, but it is a fulfilment.

Love gives not but itself and takes not from itself.

Love possesses not, nor would it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

In Narada Bhakti Sutra, Narada states that love is of the very nature of infinitude, immortality and bliss. In the lower form of love there is always a need, a want, and a selfishness that thinks only of its own pleasures. Therefore, it is never satisfied. In the higher form, there is a sense of fulfilment; it is constantly thinking of giving and derives joy from it. It always thinks of the joy and happiness of the beloved and is ready to bear all pain and sacrifice.

There is no greater example than the gopis of Vrindavan and their love for Krishna:

Once, Narada Muni came to Vrindavan and saw the gopis playing with Krishna on the banks of the river Yamuna. The gopis were teasing Krishna, pulling His clothes, making Him fill water and the Lord was ready to do anything to please them just to receive a little buttermilk! Narada Muni was aghast to see Krishna being treated in such a frivolous manner. He wondered, “Do these village girls know who Krishna is? Do they realise His glory?”

The Lord observed that one of His devotees had developed a doubt against another. Years passed. Narada Muni reached Dwaraka and found it to be in a state of total confusion. Everyone was full of grief and running all over the city.

“What has happened?”

“Krishna has a headache, a migraine.”

“Give him some medicine.”

“He is unique; His head is unique and His headache is also unique. Nothing is working. Please, Naradaji, go and ask Him for the solution.”

Narada Muni went inside. Sri Krishna was rolling on the bed in severe pain. “Bhagawan, what is the cure for your headache?”

“Please bring the dust of a devotee’s feet and apply it to my forehead. I will be cured.”

Narada Muni first went to Krishna’s wives. “Don’t you know?” they said, “We are His wives. We use the dust of His feet as our sindoor. We cannot give it to you. It will be a sin.”

All the different devotees that Narada Muni went to, replied in a similar vein,

“Haven’t you read the scriptures? If we give the dust of our feet for the Lord, we will go to hell for billions of years!”

Finally, he reached Vraja. Radha saw him and asked, “How’s my Krishna?” Sage Narada told her all about Krishna’s headache. She started crying, “Krishna has a headache! What are you doing here? Why aren’t you with Him curing it?

“It will only be cured if the dust of a devotee’s feet is applied to His forehead.”

“Is that all?" Radha promptly placed her feet on his lap, “Here, take the dust of my feet.”

“Wait! Uneducated woman of the village! Do you know how many years you will have to rot in hell for this? It is a sin.”

“Even if I have to suffer in hell for eternity, I can’t bear a minute of Krishna’s pain. Quickly go and apply this dust.”

The other gopis saw this unique sight and came running. If Radhaji was doing something, it must be for Krishna! All the gopis of Vraja gave the dust of their feet. Sage Narada, who had not obtained a grain of dust till then, now had sackfuls of it from the gopis of Vrindavan.

Supreme love knows only how to give, whereas attachment is based on what one can get.

When Sri Krishna left Vrindavan for Mathura, He would continuously talk about the gopis and people wondered about the greatness of these simple village girls. His friend, nephew, and disciple, Udhava had heard so much about the gopis that he wished to meet them, so Krishna sent him with a message. Arriving in Vraja, he saw that everyone was crying-Yashoda, the gopa boys, the cows and even the trees were pining for the Lord. However, the river Yamuna was in flood, overflowing its banks. “Hey Mother,” He asked, “How is the Yamuna in deluge? Did she not burn in the fire of separation and dry up?

“Yamuna dried up the moment Sri Krishna left. The waters you see are the tears of the gopis!”

Udhava started instructing the gopis on the eternal, indestructible, and all-pervasive nature of Krishna as the Atma of all

They replied, “Hey Udhava, we do not have ten or twenty minds. There was just one and that has gone with Krishna. How can we understand or listen to you?

“You love Him so much. Mathura is not very far. Why do you not call Him?”

“Well if He wanted to come, He would have come. He must be busy. We don’t want to disturb Him.”

“Why don’t you go to Mathura?”

“If He wanted us to come, He would have called us. Maybe our going would embarrass Him.”

“If you are suffering so much, how are you alive? It is easier to die than to live in the fire of separation.”

“Our death would cause unhappiness to Krishna. We are bearing this sorrow so that He does not suffer.”

It is easy to dismiss these stories as part of mythology but such devotion is evident in a mother’s love for her children. A mother will happily bear all pain and suffering for the well being of her child. In love, in separation from the beloved, there may be excruciating pain, but it is a sweet pain as it reminds you of the beloved. In the lower form of love, there is frustration, regret, self-pity, fear, and insecurity. In the higher form, there is never any fear or insecurity.

No Fear or Insecurity

On completion of the Vedanta Course in Mumbai, I returned to Hong Kong and saw some of my old acquaintances. I could immediately recognise that they were married. One day I met a friend and commented on his marital status.

He was taken aback, “How did you know I got married?”

“It shows on you. You have gained so much weight!” He used to be very trim and handsome.

He invited me to his home, as I knew his wife too. She was excited and she had prepared a feast, but every dish was deep fried or soaking in butter.

I looked at her, “In these modern times, don’t you know that fatty food should be avoided? What a handsome man he was. What have you done to him?”

“I like him this way,”

I was shocked, “You like him to be so fat?”

“Yes, because if he was handsome, all the girls would fall for him. Now he is only mine.”

In attachment there is such insecurity. It binds, clings and depends. The higher form of love has no insecurity. It never binds, it never clings, it sets the beloved free.

Love Sets Free

This is beautifully demonstrated in the story of Krishna’s wives, Satyabhama and Rukmini. Rukmini concentrated on her duties, but Satyabhama was concerned and constantly anxious about Krishna. To remove this imperfection, Narada Muni played on her suspicions and asked her, “Where is Krishna?”

“Oh! He must be busy somewhere.”

“Don’t you know He is with the gopsi or with Rukmini?”

Satyabhama was extremely agitated. She decided that she wanted Krishna only for herself and made a contract with Narada Muni. The Sage suggested that she should fast and give the Lord away in charity. Later, he would let her buy Krishna back. Satyabhama observed the fast and gave Krishna away. Narada Muni walked away with the Lord and started shouting orders, “Pick up my veena (a stringed musical instrument). Hold all these things”

Perturbed at this treatment of her Lord, she decided to immediately buy Him back. She weighed Him with all her jewellery but still Krishna was heavier. She went running to Rukmini for more jewellery and recounted the whole story.

“Oh little one! This is not how you get Krishna back. Remove all your jewellery.” Rukmini placed a single tulasi (basil) leaf with all her love and devotion. Instantly, Krishna became light. That is the power of love.

Attachment wants to cling and bind. Devotion sets free. If it has gone it was never mine. If it comes back, it is my love.

Love never binds, it sets free. However, it is not blind attachment. It corrects the faults of the beloved. In attachment one wishes to change the other person for one’s own benefit. The higher form of love changes oneself for the beloved; there is acceptance and respect for each other.

There was a very interesting incident. During a lunch bhikhsa in America, the conversation turned to husbands. The ladies felt that since they were all holding jobs, husbands should be taught to be more considerate. “If nothing else, they should pick up their clothes and hang them in the cupboard or at least squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom! We have to do everything for them. Swamiji, please give these husbands some lessons.”

“Next time I speak on Shiva Katha all lessons will be on who is the perfect husband, but now that you have tolerated him for the last 26 years, tolerate him a little longer.”

Since they did not agree to this suggestion, I changed the topic, “How is your son? How does he keep his room?”

It was brushed aside, “Oh! You know how teenagers are!”

“Have you noticed how similar he is to his father? Why is it that you do not complain about him?

“That is because he is my son but my husband is HER son!”

Love respects, accepts and helps the other person to grow. It does not end in the midst of adversities or on separation from the beloved. Narada Bhakti Sutra points out that it continues to grow and increases every minute. Love, when directed to the One, call it God, the Supreme, or the Self - becomes bhakti. In bhakti the devotee is ready to surrender everything, as love knows only to sacrifice.

Love Breeds Love

The greatest mistake in the world is that even though everybody wants love, nobody is the first to give love. The demand for love is tremendous, but the supply is almost negligible. Be the one to give love, don’t be a passive receiver, be aggressively and sweetly active and discover the sheer joy and ecstasy of giving love.

In Sidhabari there was an elderly villager who used to come and listen to Gurudev’s lectures. He did not understand a word of English but would sit with complete devotion, just looking at Gurudev. At the end of the talk he would approach me and I would translate and explain the discourse in Hindi. During these sessions, he would describe the valley of flowers and one day, having some free time I asked him to take me to this valley. He was probably in a bad mood, “Oh, I am not taking you. I hate the valley of flowers.”

“But why? You speak so highly about it”

“The valley hates me!”

“How can that be? Now, I have taken a holiday. Please take me.”

Eventually, I persuaded him and after a long, tedious, journey, we came to a cliff. “On the other side, there is the valley of flowers,” he said, “I am not coming, the valley hates me.”

I walked on and it was an unimaginable sight, it was sheer ecstasy and beauty. I just wanted to run down and embrace all the flowers. I returned to the villager and cajoled him to accompany me. “How can you hate it? It is so beautiful.”

“When I come here, this valley is always shouting, I hate you!” And immediately the valley responded, “I hate you! I hate you!”

I understood what had happened. I told him it was an echo but he wouldn’t understand and started again. Finally, I said, “You are a man, the crown of creation. Say I love you. Forgive and forget.”

“Why should I?”

“OK. You love me? Say that to me.” He agreed very reluctantly and said, “I love you.”

The whole valley reverberated, “Love you! Love you!”

Similarly, the world is nothing but an echo of our personality. Throw out love, it has to rebound in love and even if the world does not give you love, you will feel a sense of fulfilment.

It was said that love was like the river that drowns the tender reed; The song continues to say, “Love is a like a flower and you its only seed.” During winter the sky is dark, but deep beneath the snow, lies a seed, which in the warmth and light of the sun will one day become the Rose. May all of you develop into that rose of love.

Dear Parvathy,

Edited.

Red delete. Blue keep.